Yesterday in church Jacob and I really were not getting along. He was whining, wiggling all around and just generally being disagreeable and difficult to deal with. I tried being comforting and letting him sit on my lap. I tried being stern and threatening to take him out to the hall. Nothing was working. Towards the end of mass he looked at me and said, “Daddy, I’m having a hard time.”
As a parent I’m often struck by how often I need my children to help show me how to be a good parent and how grateful I am when it works. With those few words Jacob was able to help me shift my focus from being upset with him to trying to figure out how to help him. It was also an admission on his part that he needed the help and was willing and ready to accept it. We shifted from adversaries to partners and from that point on we were able to figure out a way to make it through mass together.
We’ve worked really hard to help the kids understand what is going on in their brains and bodies and to tell us so that we can figure out how best to help them and so that eventually they can figure out strategies to work through it themselves. ”I’m having a hard time,” “I’m tired,” “I’m hungry,” “I was really angry,” and “I just couldn’t control my brain” are a few of the things I’ve heard from the kids lately.
It’s not rocket science of course and seems obvious that to help kids (or adults for that matter) deal with their emotions the first step is recognizing and verbalizing that. But when it happens, like it did yesterday, it feels so good. It helps me be a better parent and for that I am grateful. I’m hoping that this trend will continue, but I know that the coming years (particularly those that end “een”) will present some serious challenges to the kids being able to recognize and share what’s going on inside of them. But for now, I’ll take comfort in the small success of yesterday and hope that because he was able to verbalize how he was feeling and we worked through it together it made Jacob’s “hard time” a little easier for him to bear.
I mentioned in my post yesterday that music being a central part of our life is due in large part to some choices we made about how we set up our house. Since 2006 when we moved back from Honduras (the first time) Erika and I have had a running conversation where I propose getting rid of our TV and Erika says no. Not really much of a conversation I suppose.
When we moved to the house in New Lenox we had some hard choices to make about how we set up the house. It’s a small house (much as Erika doesn’t like me to say that) and furniture arrangements make all the difference in it feeling small versus tiny. The living space is really just one medium sized room with a combined living room/dining room. No matter how we arranged it, if we oriented the living room around a TV the room shrank. This was my moment to propose ditching the TV all together.
So we put the TV in the garage and arranged the furniture around the perimeter of the room to open up the space as much as possible. It worked. The kids now have a space in the middle of the room to play (and pile toys for safe keeping while they’re not playing). Aside from the pile though, the space is much more open and makes the room feel like a place to live.
As for TV – worry not, we haven’t gone off the grid completely. I had bought a TV tuner for my laptop before we left for Honduras so we can watch TV on the laptop. It’s small, but a side benefit is that we can use it as a DVR/Tivo for free and it records shows right to the laptop. Our desk is right next to the couch so it’s easy to just pull it over on the coffee table when we watch TV together in the evenings. We also got rid of cable. Most of what we watch is on the networks (easily accessible with a cheap antenna stuck under the desk) and the rest we can watch online. Hulu has changed our lives along with the networks’ habit of putting full length versions of their shows on their website. I can watch the Daily Show, 30 Rock and House on Hulu, Lost and Scrubs on ABC.com and Notre Dame basketball on ESPN360. What more so I need?
So my “throw away the television” pitch isn’t exactly as radical as it sounds. It has, however, changed the way we watch TV. There’s an intentionality about what we watch and when we watch it. We watch less TV and tend to watch better quality stuff (with the obvious exception of the Grey’s Anatomy/Private Practice embarassment that I’m loathe to admit to). The kids watch things we’ve taped from PBS with Sid the Science Kid being the latest favorite. In general we are much more likely to watch TV because we want to, not because it’s on.
And the music? Those load speakers I talked about yesterday are plugged into the laptop which is much more likely to be used as a very expensive radio than as a computer or a TV. We have great speakers in the living room and some wireless speakers in the kitchen which are very important to my nightly dishes routine.
The combination of all of these choices has resulted in a great environment where our living room truly is a place to live. Where TV is something that is great in moderation, where there is space to play, where music is an integral part of our daily lives and most importantly where my reward for doing the dishes is a little Ryan Adams.
Note: For those of you that get the e-mail version of the blog, I’m not sure why but the photos have a tendency to show up in the wrong place in the e-mail. It shouldn’t be a big deal, the layout just doesn’t look as nice. Remember you can always click through to the actual post to see the original version.
I was home by myself last week with the three kids and we did what so many kids and fathers do when Mom leave them alone together. We turned the music up. Loud. And we’re not talking kid’s stuff here, we’re talking Radiohead’s Ok Computer.
High on the list of the one million reasons I love my children is that they love music. It has become such a central part of their lives and of our lives together. Whether playing their guitars, dancing, music at church or singing on the way to bed — music is such a part of who they are and I love it. I’m not big on children’s music, but just about any other music the kids want to explore I’m up for exploration. Jacob was pretending to play the banjo the other day so I found some Bela Fleck for him to jam to. Michael has taken to listening to my iPod in the mornings after I go to work and everyone else is still asleep. Maggie just loves to move no matter what music is playing.
Music’s central place in our lives has a lot to do with some choices we’ve made about how to set up our house and with some great new technology which has changed the way we listen to and discover music. Good topics for a future post, but the end result is that our days are filled with music. It has put me in a reflective mood about music and how much I love it. I really, really do.
Note: If you click on the album covers the link will take you to the MySpace Music page for the band where you can listen to the album for free (legally).
On New Year’s Eve Betsy, Erika, Davis and I (with lots of help and dishwashing support) put on a culinary extravaganza with a 6 course meal from 6pm to midnight. Here are some photos highlights of the food. The full photo gallery (with some photos of actual people) can be found here.
~ 6 pm Pavo Bravo Street-Level (NOT Skyline) Turkey & Chorizo Chili Accompanied by a 2004 Marques de Caceres Rioja and a 2006 Glen Ellen Chardonnay
~ 7pm Bullfeathers Brie and Tomato Basil Brushcetta and Proscuitto and Cantaloupe Bruschetta Accompanied by a 2006 Veramonte Cabernet Sauvignon
~ 8pm Y-Foo-Cado Salad with a Toasted Cumin and Lime Vinagrette Accompanied by a 2007 Tenuta Ca’Bolani Pinot Grigio and a 2007 Folie a Deux Menage a Trois Red
~9pm Poconos Pesto – Sun-Dried Tomato and Basil Pesto Accompanied by a 2006 Dancing Bull Merlot
~10pm Succulent Salmon with a Honey Soy Glaze and Mango Salsa Accompanied by a 2006 Smoking Loon Syrah and a 2006 Dancing Bull Sauvignon Blanc
~11pm Commander’s Palace Bananas Foster and Brownies Accompanied by a 2004 St. Annaliese Liebfraumilch
Fletcher Follies is one of Fletcher’s great traditions where students spend countless hours coming up with obscure nerdy humor about international relations and life in general when they should be learning about the Solow Model or Savings Led Microfinance. It’s about as rowdy as it gets for a grad school full of smart people. Last year there was a video bemoaning the marriage of one of our career center staffers, a spoof on Meet with Press with Jacob and Michael interviewing a Fletcher prof and much much more.
One of the highlights of the night was a video from Erica Murray about how she had dropped out of school and was in California to get a nose job followed by a montage of photoshopped pics of her and Britney Spears both sporting bald heads and causing general havok. In reality Erica was in San Francisco receiving treatment for leukemia and preparing for a bone marrow transplant. The rowdy night was interrupted by a poignant moment when, after the video, they brought up a live webcam link to Erica on the big screen and the whole auditorium went nuts.
I often write about how technology has changed our lives and brought us together in ways unimagineable a few years ago. Usually these ways are good, heart warming and fun, like tea parties between grandparents, video sharing on youtube or a way to fight flu epidemics. But technology has also brought us together in times of difficulty. I know this first hand from the way in which we shared our miscarriage with those of you who read this blog and from the other night when I read of Erica’s passing on her blog.
Erica was my friend and while we were not super close I am grateful for the time I spent with her. These past months I have followed her progress through her blog, followed the ups and downs as the bone marrow transplant appeared to be a success and was deeply saddened as she relapsed for a second time. Given our moving about these past months it would have been so easy to lose contact and hear from a friend months later that she had passed away. I am grateful that didn’t happen.
Given that Fletcher is a school of internatianal relations our dispersal after graduation is even more pronounced than your typical graduate school. My friends that I communicate most with are in Boston, Bosnia, Jerusalem and Hanoi. But as I read the news of Erica’s passing I was once again grateful both for the strength of that community and for the ways that technology has allowed us to remain close in joys and in sadness. Every single person’s Facebook status remembered her, her blog was a gathering place for sharing memories and condolences and tonight I was able to read the eulogy given at her funeral.
Erica will be missed – by me and by the whole Fletcher Mafia around the world. I am grateful for the life of Erica and for the ways in which I could still be a part of her life and her death even from so great a distance. I am also grateful for the ways in which technology has allowed me to be a part of your lives and you of mine. I am grateful for the chance to share in joys and sadnesses whether it be in a pregnancy in Eastern Europe or a miscarriage in Honduras. For now, I will forever remember Erica’s smiling face on that web cam as she recovered from her “nose job.”
Our week of excitement continued with news the night before Thanksgiving of something more to be thankful for. We submitted and had our offer accepted on a 3-bedroom starter house in a great old neighborhood in New Lenox, IL. It’s in a fantastic school district and has a great library and park district with tons of programs for all ages. We’re two blocks from the church we’ll attend and three blocks from the Old Plank Road Trail, a 20 mile biking, walking and running trail.
We talked for a long time about what we wanted in a home and our highest priorities included good schools and outdoor playspace. We chose a house accordingly, deciding in the end (after looking at many, many houses) to trade a bit of indoor space for an excellent school system and a great yard- a trade truly worth making. It’s a simple little house with three bedrooms, a good kitchen, a combined family room/ dining room, a laundry room, a cute bathroom, an attached garage and a fenced-in backyard. The house has been updated with a new roof, new furnace, new appliances, new carpet and wood laminate floors. We have an attached garage which has good storage space and is great for shuffling kids into the car in the winter, and a great yard with lots of trees (as you can see from the photos). Fortunately I have two sons (and a daughter) to help rake all the leaves from the seven maple trees! Most importantly, it has a short driveway – helpful as I learn to shovel snow for the first time.
We had the home inspection yesterday and all went well with everything checking out. Everything is on track for us to close on the house in the middle of December and we should be moved in with plenty of time to spend Christmas in our new home. We have lots of pictures up here if you’re curious and below is a video tour I took when we were there for the home inspection. I’ll send our address and phone number once we’ve moved in (don’t want to get too ahead of ourselves).
Note: The photos above are panoramas that I put together from a composite of 5-10 photos for each picture. It was a fun little project and a good way to really give a sense of the house which is sometimes hard in smaller photos. As always full size images are available over at the photo galleries.
The New York Times published two articles on technology that I thought were really interesting. The first was on using google search to track the flu and the second was on how webcams and skype have transformed the relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren.
The Google Foundation works on figuring out innovative ways to use technology to solve real world problems. They ran a pilot project where they tracked google searches for flu symptoms and then compared the results with data for the Centers for Disease Control. The results were startling.
They’re working on ways to scale this up and work to use it for early warning system for pandemics or bioterrorism. Really interseting stuff. To read the whole article click here.
The other article on Skype and webcams was interesting if only because it mirrors our experiences exactly. Our kids have become so accustomed to skype and communicating by webcam and it has really been interesting to watch. Maggie knows the Skype ring and runs over to the computer when she hears it. Jacob and my mom one time played imaginary baseball by video chat. He wanted to play so I told my mom to throw the ball and she threw it and he pretended to hit it without even thinking. Erika and her mom used to have breakfast together by Skype and chat while they went about their morning routine. Amazing. For more stories of grandparent/grandchild tea parties click on the story here.
With great joy I announce that I am once again employed. After a wide ranging and thankfully brief job search I have accepted a position as the Training Program Manager for the International Society for Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect (ISPCAN). A brief job description is below, but essentially I will be managing programs in developing countries to train professionals (doctors, lawyers, social workers, etc.) to prevent and address child abuse. I’ll be based out of the Chicago suburbs and will still get a chance to travel overseas five or six times a year.
I start work on Tuesday so we’ve started house hunting in earnest. I’ll stay with friends in Chicago during the week and on the weekends come back to South Bend where Erika and the kids will stay with her parents until we’ve lined up a house (which will hopefully be soon). We’re very excited to start this new phase of our life so stay tuned for more updates.
Brief Job Description
ISPCAN, a professional, international non-profit organization, provides education, research, practical training, information and technical assistance/consultation to help protect children from abuse and neglect world-wide (www.ispcan.org).ISPCAN members, professionals in Medicine, Mental Health, Law, Social Services, Education, Sociology/Research, Advocacy, NGO Leadership and Government, are committed to preventing and treating child maltreatment. This position is focused on developing and supporting education and training programs of child protection professionals around the world (especially but not limited to Argentina, Brazil, Cameroon, Colombia, Congo, India, Kenya, Malaysia, South Africa, Thailand). Training programs are both national and regional and focus on child protection issues relative to the population/ geographic area.
The full-time Training Program Manager will manage the Developing Country Training and Capacity Building initiatives, as well as more general Training Resource related projects.The role includes supporting training country project leaders in the design and content development, monitoring/evaluation of and reporting on their projects.He/she will work full-time in the ISPCAN Secretariat office, but also manage related work at national, regional, and international meetings, as well as work with country projects on-site.
My friend Betsy tells this story about when we were traveling together in Honduras. It was Betsy, Erika, Michael and I and our friends Maria and Davis who were traveling in Central America for the first time. For those of you who have never had the pleasure of traveling in the developing world, one important thing you have to adjust to is throwing your toilet paper in the garbage can instead of in the toilet. Toilets, household plumbing and sewer systems in these parts of the world (indeed most places outside of the U.S.) aren’t designed for large quanitities of paper and pipes quickly clog if inexperienced gringos dump a bunch of toilet paper in them. No fun for anyone.
So with that background information in hand we now arrive at the scene of our tale. We had been at the Finca with our guests for about a week and arrived in San Pedro for an overnight hotel stay. We stayed at a place called the Microtel which is part of a U.S. chain. It was an upscale place with all the Holiday Inn amenities you might expect including the continental breakfast. Davis, fascinated by the fact that it seemed so American after being in rural Honduras, was convinced he could flush his toilet paper (this, clearly, being the ultimate symbol of luxury). After many attempts to dissuade Davis he decided to call down to the front desk and ask if he could flush his toilet paper down the toilet. The response was a befuddled: Why would you want to do that?
Betsy retold that story to me the other day and talked about how she always uses it in class as the most perfect example of what is normal to one person being so completely foreign to another. Davis thought it was so outside the norm to put his toilet paper in a trash can at the side of the toilet. The man at the front desk couldn’t possibly conceive of why he would want to flush it down the toilet.
After the election it seemed as if the flood gates opened up and it was ok to talk about race and how significant Barack Obama’s election was for us as a nation. My own reflections have left me without any clear sense of what, in terms of race relations, this election means for us as a nation, me as an individual or for the relationship between two people on a subway car in downtown Chicago. But what I am sure of is that for Michael, Jacob and Maggie the election of Barack Obama has forever changed what is normal for them and for generations that will come after them. I imagine them and their children being interviewed in an exit poll years from now as and being asked if they considered race in their decision of whom to vote for and responding in befuddlement: Why would I want to do that?
As for TV – worry not, we haven’t gone off the grid completely. I had bought a TV tuner for my laptop before we left for Honduras so we can watch TV on the laptop. It’s small, but a side benefit is that we can use it as a DVR/Tivo for free and it records shows right to the laptop. Our desk is right next to the couch so it’s easy to just pull it over on the coffee table when we watch TV together in the evenings. We also got rid of cable. Most of what we watch is on the networks (easily accessible with a cheap antenna stuck under the desk) and the rest we can watch online. 
