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There are places in the heart that do not yet exist, and it is into these that sadness enters, that they may have existence.

When we learned that we were pregnant we had just about decided that we were done having children.  We had three beautiful children, we were happy, we were good with three.  The amazing gift of our fourth child is that he or she opened up space in my heart that I didn’t know existed.  The striking thing about a miscarriage is that it so often happens just as you were getting used to the idea of being pregnant, of being a parent.  We had started to think of ourselves as a family of 6, making plans for our four children.  In the two weeks we were pregnant suddenly there was this space for this child whom I loved, whose father I was and who I wanted so very much to meet.      

And now there is an emptiness, a sadness that is there because I will never have that chance.  Every time I think about it I think of this quote I misremembered from a class Erika and I took in college.  All I can think of is that the empty space is somewhere new and exciting in my heart that in time will be filled with joy.  I don’t know how that space will be filled but I do know that it is a gift from a child who I will never know but love so very much.  

Note:  The quote at the beginning of the post is from Leon Bloy.  As I said, I misrembered the quote substituting sadness where Bloy writes suffering which more accurately described how I felt.  The actual quote reads “There are places in the heart that do not yet exist, and it is into these that suffering enters, that they may have existence.”